I guess I should preface this post by stating just exactly how much I hate people texting in theatres. Actually, David Duchovny did a pretty good job portraying this in the first episode of Californication:
Seriously, fuck people like that. Not Hank Moody. Love that guy. He is what I strive to be, except with way too much drug abuse and sad wives and a kid. Okay, maybe I don't want to be like him, but I like his attitude.
Are we all so dependent on our phones that we can't go to a movie (that we paid fucking 12 dollars to go see) for 2 hours without answering our phones? The asshat in the video was talking on his phone, and for that offense, I will even leave my seat just to yell at you. The only excusable cellphone usage in a theatre is to quickly check the time because no one wears a watch anymore. Which is sad, really. Watches are a great accessory! I own a few. I just always forget to wear them. Shame. Other than that, you leave your fucking phone in your fucking pocket for the entire movie or I will fucking rage.
This preface turned into a paragraph or two, but that's okay. I like to rant. Now, to our main event:
I went to a movie with some friends on the weekend. We were hoping to see Moneyball
, but it was sold out by the time we got there. Argh. The only other thing playing soon that looked remotely appealing was Killer Elite
. It didn't even look that appealing, but it had Robert De Niro, so it couldn't be THAT bad. Check the trailer:
From the trailer, you take away that Statham and De Niro are somehow in direct conflict with Clive Owen. Not really how it goes down (FYI), but that's kind of beside the point.
The point is, we are in this movie and I am already slightly pissed because it's not what I wanted to see. Then, this group of approximately 10 high school kids (when I say 'high school', I mean, maybe grade 10. Probably 9. Maybe even 8. I do not care. They were dipshits) come in about 10 minutes into the movie and sits right in the front row. Whatever. No biggie. Just some other movie viewers.
A guy directly in front of me pulls his phone out and starts checking his email. WTF? I lean over, tap him on the shoulder, and, in an oddly nice fashion, say, "Hey man, could you not?" He says, "Oh, sorry," like it was some big fucking surprise that someone was mad at him for using his phone in a theatre and that was the end of that. No more problems. Thank you, random guy, for not making that movie going experience any worse.
A few minutes pass and some of these high school kids run out to get drinks and shit (obviously I didn't know this when they left, but they came back with drinks and shit, so.. yeah). They come back in (great writing, right there) and start making a fuckload of noise. Passing around popcorn bags, giggling about something, whispering at each other, and, of course, texting. In fact, they were texting each other.
For some reason, some of these idiot kids started sitting on opposite sides of the theatre, and one would pull out his phone, then put it away, and the kid on the other side would answer his, giggle, respond, and so on, ad nauseum. FUCK. GTFO my theatre, you fucking idiots.
Sadly, I was sitting too far away and in the middle of the row, so I would have had to awkwardly shuffle past about 10 people to get to the stairs, and then I would have to go down there and create an even larger distraction to get my point across. Lots of work for little reward, at that point. I limited myself to yelling, "Shut the fuck up!" when they were talking over one of few scenes that revealed plot points. It actually worked for a bit, until it didn't. Someone else must have complained because one of the theatre employees came in and talked to them. I couldn't hear him, but I'm assuming he just told them to stop being disruptive assholes or they would get kicked out. This also worked, for a bit, and it did eliminate the talking, but they still seemed to think texting was okay. Even if they had tried to be discreet about it, I wouldn't have cared as much, but they were just whippin' these babies out like it ain't no thang. FUUUUUUU-
The movie ends, and I jokingly comment to my friends, "Hey, want to beat up some high school kids?" I guess my sarcasm didn't carry over because one of them said, "Probably not the best idea..." I swear, I was kidding. Beating up some scrawny little punk in a parking lot who is probably 6 years younger than me would not exactly be an effective method for proving a point.
Anyway, I was just going to silently rage about it, but as we exited the theatre, I heard one of the kids mumble something along the lines of, "That movie sucked anyway, I couldn't even tell what was going on. I wonder how many people we pissed off, haha!" Seriously, dude? What raised you? Obviously a pack of wolves who did not have a television set. Maybe just really poor parents who couldn't afford to take you to the movies. If that was the case, my bad! I'm sorry that your below-the-poverty-line upbringing has completely ruined your ability to attend movie theatres without pissing off every single other person in the joint. However, I doubt that was the case given the fact that you were 14 with a cellphone and a rather pricey looking Element jacket.
I digress. Back to the point where the kid said dumb words: After he said some shit, I stop, turn around, walk up to this kid, push his chest just enough to let him know that he and I are certainly not on good terms, and as he spins around with this indignant look on his face, I look him straight in the eye and say, "Hey dumbass, you pull your fucking phone out in a theatre again, I will make you fucking eat it. Got it?"
His very keen response: "Oh... that wasn't me..." It wasn't you? Oh, really? So, if you weren't there, who the fuck was it, then? How would you know if you weren't in the theatre?! There are so many things wrong with that phrase that I just want to hit you. Also, I saw him in the theatre, so I know it was him. Fuck that guy.
Still standing about as close to this kid as I could, I quickly bring my hand up and slap his hat off his head. He now has this look in his eye that I don't see very often. I am pretty sure he thought I was going to make him eat his own intestine. I didn't stick around long after this, maybe 5 seconds, but I would like to say that I put the fear of MattDawg8 into that kid's heart that day. We got into the car, went home, and that was that.Key points here:
-Only use your phone to check the time when you're in a theatre (not including previews. Who the fuck cares? Text away until the second the movie starts, then that shit better go in your pocket)
-If you use your phone in a theatre during a movie, you are given one warning. I will ask you one time not to continue using your phone. If you use it again after this warning, you relinquish all rights to your phone and it now becomes mine. I will take it from you and I will destroy it. If I am not close enough to you to do so, I will wait until after the movie, and I will terrify you until you empty your bowels. If you respond violently, I will fuck you up. You do not fuck with my expensive movie going.
-If you answer a phone call during a movie, you get no warning. I will stand up from my seat, go to where you are, and slap you. Man or woman, I do not care.
-If you don't think you can go 2 hours without checking your phone, do not go to movies with me. I will get mad at you, and even if we are friends, the same rules still apply. Check yourself.
That is all.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT IS COMING BACK!